Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait Shop, you know the place. Well, anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just PEACHY. Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning, my mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast. D'awww, BIG BOWL OF SAUERKRAUT. EVERY SINGLE MORNING. It was driving me crazy! I said to my mom, I said, "Hey, mom, what's up with all the sauerkraut?" And my dear sweet mother, she just looks at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train, and she leaned right down next to me, and she said, "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU!" And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth and force-fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty-six-and-a-half years old. That's when I swore that someday, someday I would get out of that basement and travel to a magical, far-away place, where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer, and the towels are oh-so fluffy! Where the Shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long, and anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel! Wacka-wacka doo-doo yeah! Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true, because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest to see who could correctly guess the number of molecules on Leonard Nimoy's butt. I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize! That's right, a first-class one-way ticket to Albuquerque! Albuquerque! Oh yeah. You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before, and I gotta tell ya, it was really great. Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor, and the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time. The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts, and the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore, and, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out and we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside, the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died! Except for me. You know why? 'Cause I had my tray table up, and my seat back in the full upright position! Had my tray table up, and my seat back in the full upright position! Had my tray table up, and my seat back in the full upright position! Ah, hahaha, ah haha, ah... So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage, I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days! Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag, and my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball, and my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel! But finally, I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn, where the towels are oh-so fluffy! And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna. It's OK, they're clean! Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C, and I turned on the SpectraVision, and I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow that I love so very, very much when suddenly there's a knock on the door. Well now, who could that be? I say, "Who is it?" No answer. "Who is it?" There's no answer. "WHO IS IT?!" They're not sayin' anything. So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected, it's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril. Oh man, I hate it when I'm right. So anyway, he bursts into my room and be grabs my lucky snorkel, and I'm like, "Hey, you can't have that! That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me!" And he's like, "Tough!" And I'm like, "Give it!" And he's like, "Make me!" And I'm like, "Kay!" So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus, and I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows, and I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation, yes indeed you better believe it. And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook. And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice. And you know what it said? I'll tell you what it said. It said, "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again, if you need help, hang up and then dial your operator! If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again, if you need help, hang up and then dial your operator!" In Albuquerque! Albuquerque! Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel. But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest, I would not sleep for an instant, until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice. But first, I decided to buy some donuts. So I got in my car, and I drove over to the donut shop, and I walked on up to the guy behind the counter, and he says, "Yeah, what do ya want?" I said, "You got any glazed donuts?" He said, "No, we're outta glazed donuts." I said, "Well, you got any jelly donuts?" He said, "No, we're outta jelly donuts." I said, "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"🏁

Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait Shop, you know the place. Well, anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just PEACHY. Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning, my mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast. D'awww, BIG BOWL OF SAUERKRAUT. EVERY SINGLE MORNING. It was driving me crazy! I said to my mom, I said, "Hey, mom, what's up with all the sauerkraut?" And my dear sweet mother, she just looks at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train, and she leaned right down next to me, and she said, "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU!" And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth and force-fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty-six-and-a-half years old. That's when I swore that someday, someday I would get out of that basement and travel to a magical, far-away place, where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer, and the towels are oh-so fluffy! Where the Shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long, and anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel! Wacka-wacka doo-doo yeah! Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true, because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest to see who could correctly guess the number of molecules on Leonard Nimoy's butt. I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize! That's right, a first-class one-way ticket to Albuquerque! Albuquerque! Oh yeah. You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before, and I gotta tell ya, it was really great. Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor, and the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time. The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts, and the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore, and, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out and we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside, the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died! Except for me. You know why? 'Cause I had my tray table up, and my seat back in the full upright position! Had my tray table up, and my seat back in the full upright position! Had my tray table up, and my seat back in the full upright position! Ah, hahaha, ah haha, ah... So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage, I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days! Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag, and my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball, and my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel! But finally, I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn, where the towels are oh-so fluffy! And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna. It's OK, they're clean! Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C, and I turned on the SpectraVision, and I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow that I love so very, very much when suddenly there's a knock on the door. Well now, who could that be? I say, "Who is it?" No answer. "Who is it?" There's no answer. "WHO IS IT?!" They're not sayin' anything. So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected, it's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril. Oh man, I hate it when I'm right. So anyway, he bursts into my room and be grabs my lucky snorkel, and I'm like, "Hey, you can't have that! That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me!" And he's like, "Tough!" And I'm like, "Give it!" And he's like, "Make me!" And I'm like, "Kay!" So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus, and I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows, and I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation, yes indeed you better believe it. And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook. And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice. And you know what it said? I'll tell you what it said. It said, "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again, if you need help, hang up and then dial your operator! If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again, if you need help, hang up and then dial your operator!" In Albuquerque! Albuquerque! Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel. But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest, I would not sleep for an instant, until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice. But first, I decided to buy some donuts. So I got in my car, and I drove over to the donut shop, and I walked on up to the guy behind the counter, and he says, "Yeah, what do ya want?" I said, "You got any glazed donuts?" He said, "No, we're outta glazed donuts." I said, "Well, you got any jelly donuts?" He said, "No, we're outta jelly donuts." I said, "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"🏁