So my last job was handing out chocolate bars in a Dubai hotel. I try and stay healthy. I listen to all the wrong people about health though. I've started reading health blogs. Like health bloggers - they're always the same sorts of people. They're sort of posh, young women in their early twenties. They say things like "First thing in the morning to energise yourself, why not have hot water and lemon?" Hot water and lemon to energise. There is no way hot water and lemon is energising me in the morning. The only way that would happen would be if I squeezed the lemon in my eye and poured the water on my dick. I do not want your hot water and lemon because I am not a kettle that needs descaling. The other thing they all talk about is something that I like to call the Cauliflower Conspiracy. I don't know if you've heard about this. This is the idea that if you like to have anything unhealthy, you need to replace that immediately with cauliflower. The worst offender for this is cauliflower pizza. I tell you what this is. Right, they say "Oh it's like normal pizza but you take away the dough base and you replace it with a disc of mashed-up cauliflower." So nothing like normal pizza. I made one, it took me six hours. The first thing you've gotta do is grate the cauliflower. Now I don't know if you've noticed the cauliflower is not a shape for grating. It's not a shape is it? It's just chaos, it's everywhere. It's so fragile you touch it to metal, it immediately explodes, it's like you're in the middle of Frozen. You end up with this vegetable dandruff. You put it in the microwave. You warm it up, that makes it really wet. You have to get the moisture out of the cauliflower, then you have to pat it down into a rough base shape. Then they say "Choose the topping, whatever you like. You can choose whatever topping you like." And I think we can agree I had lost most of my day up until this point. So I thought "I'm going to claw a victory back right at the last minute." So the topping I chose was a whole Domino's.🏁

So my last job was handing out chocolate bars in a Dubai hotel. I try and stay healthy. I listen to all the wrong people about health though. I've started reading health blogs. Like health bloggers - they're always the same sorts of people. They're sort of posh, young women in their early twenties. They say things like "First thing in the morning to energise yourself, why not have hot water and lemon?" Hot water and lemon to energise. There is no way hot water and lemon is energising me in the morning. The only way that would happen would be if I squeezed the lemon in my eye and poured the water on my dick. I do not want your hot water and lemon because I am not a kettle that needs descaling. The other thing they all talk about is something that I like to call the Cauliflower Conspiracy. I don't know if you've heard about this. This is the idea that if you like to have anything unhealthy, you need to replace that immediately with cauliflower. The worst offender for this is cauliflower pizza. I tell you what this is. Right, they say "Oh it's like normal pizza but you take away the dough base and you replace it with a disc of mashed-up cauliflower." So nothing like normal pizza. I made one, it took me six hours. The first thing you've gotta do is grate the cauliflower. Now I don't know if you've noticed the cauliflower is not a shape for grating. It's not a shape is it? It's just chaos, it's everywhere. It's so fragile you touch it to metal, it immediately explodes, it's like you're in the middle of Frozen. You end up with this vegetable dandruff. You put it in the microwave. You warm it up, that makes it really wet. You have to get the moisture out of the cauliflower, then you have to pat it down into a rough base shape. Then they say "Choose the topping, whatever you like. You can choose whatever topping you like." And I think we can agree I had lost most of my day up until this point. So I thought "I'm going to claw a victory back right at the last minute." So the topping I chose was a whole Domino's.🏁