UKRAINE, TWO MORE BALTIC STATES APPLY FOR NATO INCLUSION- 16-point bold Header; SO THEN WHY A NATO? - Editorial Header; E.E.C. SIDES WITH PACIFIC RIM, UPS TARIFFS IN RESPONSE TO U.S. QUOTAS - Header; GENTLE ON WASTE STORAGE FROM DISMANTLED NATO THERMS: 'NOT IN MY NATION, BABE' - 12-point Subheader; 'Amid smiles and two-handed handshakes that belied the high tensions here, the leaders of twelve out of fifteen NATO nations today signed an accord effectively dismantling the Western Bloc's fifty-five-year-old defensive alliance.' - NewsSummary Cartridge Voiceover; U.S., CANADIAN SUPPORT CUTS DOOMED NATO SUMMIT FROM START, ICELANDIC POL DECLARES - Header; SO THEN WHY NOT A CONTINENTAL ALLIANCE, NOW, MAYBE? - Editorial Header; MEXICO SIGNS ON FOR 'ORGANIZATION OF NORTH AMERICAN NATIONS' CONTINENTAL ALLIANCE; BUT QUEBEC SEPARATISTS RALLY AGAINST 'FINLANDIZATION' OF 'O.N.A.N.' ALLIANCE; BUT GENTLE TO CANADA: UNLESS 'O.N.A.N.' TREATY SIGNED, NAFTA NULL, MANITOBAN THERMS STAY PUT, INTRACONTINENTAL POLLUTION AND WASTE DISPOSAL EACH NATION'S 'INTERESTS TO PURSUE TO THE BEST THEY SEE FIT' - Header from Veteran but Methamphetamine-Dependent Head-liner Finally Demoted after Repeated Warnings about Taking up Too Much Space; FED WORKERS PROTEST RANDOM FINGERNAIL-HYGIENE SCREENS - 12-point Header; GENTLE PROPOSES NATIONALIZATION OF INTERLACE TELENT -Header; SAYS GOVT IN LINE FOR 'PIECE OF THE ACTION' ON VIDEO, CARTRIDGE, DISK RENTALS - 8-point subheader; BURGER KING'S PILLSBURY AWARDED RIGHTS TO NEW YEAR - Header; PIZZA HUT'S PEPSICO FILES BIDRIGGING COMPLAINT WITH IRS - 12-point Subheader; CALENDAR AND PREPRINTED CHECK INDUSTRIES STOCKS SOAR - 8-point subheader; Three blue-jawed convicts in antiquated stripes dicky their cell's lock and run, backed by sirens and searchlights' crisscrossed play, not for the wall but straight to the Warden's empty nighttime office, where they sit rapt before his old dual-modem Macintosh, slapping their knees and pointing to the monitor and elbowing each other in the ribs, nibbling at inexplicably-appeared boxes of popcorn, with a Voiceover: 'Cartridges by Modem! Just Insert a Blank Diskette! Break Free of the Confinement of Your Channel Selector!' - Some more of Ms. Heath's classes' puppets in a B-film parody of the InterLace TelEntertainment ads that the cable networks seemed so mysteriously suicidally to run all the time that last year of Unsubsidized Time; O.N.A.N. PACT PENNED - 24-point Superheader; CANADA 'NUCK'LES UNDER - Tabloidish NY Daily's 24-point Superheader; ACID RAIN, LANDFILLS, BARGES, FUSION-TECH, MANITOBAN THERMS WERE 'BIG STICKS,' CHRETIEN ADMITS-16-point Header; SHORT-HAIRED MEN IN SHINY TRUCKS ARE NOT DISMANTLING MANITOBAN THERMS BUT INSTEAD MOVING THEM JUST OVER BORDER INTO TURTLE MTN. INDIAN RESERVATION, HORRIFIED N.D. GOV CHARGES - 12-point Subheader from Demoted Headliner Already in Dutch Down in the Subheader Dept., Now, Too; EXCLUSIVE COLOR PHOTOS SHOW BRAVE DOCS FUTILELY FIGHTING TIME TO REMOVE RAILROAD SPIKE FROM CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER'S RIGHT EYE - Tabloidish NY Daily's 16-point Header; PRESIDENT'S OFFICE IS 'A ANALLY RETENTIVE HORROR SHOW SAYS THIS JUST RETIRED WHITE HOUSE CUSTODIAN -Tabloid Header with Photo of Old Guy with Basically One Eyebrow Running All the Way across His Forehead Holding up a Mammoth Plastic Barrel He Claims Held Just One Day's Haul of Dental Stimulators, Alcohol-Soaked Cotton Puffs, GI-X-Ray-Grade Colonic Purgative Bottles, Epidermal Ash, Surgical Masks and Gloves, Q-Tips, Kleenex, and Homeopathic Pruritis-Cream Containers; U.S.O.U.S. CHIEF TINE: CHARGES OF AN OVAL OFFICE LITTERED WITH KLEENEX AND FLOSS A 'CLEAR CASE OF DIRTY TRICKS' - Respectable Daily Header; OVERLOADED WASTE BARGES COLLIDE, CAPSIZE OFF GLOUCESTER - Boston Daily Header; HUGE PUTRID SLICK EMPTIES BEACHES OFF BOTH SHORES, CAPE - Equally Large Subheader; GENTLE SPEAKS OUT ON A U.S. 'CONSTIPATEDLY IMPACTED ON CONTINENTAL WASTE' AT U.N.L.V. COMMENCEMENT-Header; AD COUNCIL REPORT: BOSTON'S VINEY & VEALS AGENCY'S LI-POSUCTION AND TONGUE-STICK CAMPAIGNS NOT TO BLAME FOR ABC HQ BOMB THREATS - Advertising Age Header; 'The Governors of Maine, Vermont, and New Hampshire today reacted strongly to President Gentle's establishment of a blueribbon panel of waste experts to investigate the feasibility of mass landfill and conversion sites in northern New England' - Respectable NY Daily's Lead 'Graph; 'WE ARE NOT THIS CONTINENT'S SIGMOID COLON,' GENTLE WARNS O.N.A.N. JOINT SESSION - Header; BETHESDA MD'S: STRICKEN PRESIDENT CONFINED FOR 'HYGIENIC STRESS' FOLLOWING INCOHERENT O.N.A.N. ADDRESS -Header; HOLOGRAPHY MAKES ULTRA-TOXIC FUSION GAMBIT SAFE FOR WORKERS, COMMUNITY, D.O.E. REP ASSURES METHUEN P.T.A. - Boston Daily Header; GENTLE OUT OF BETHESDA NAVAL HOSP CONFINEMENT, TO ADDRESS U.S. CONGRESS ON 'RECONFIGURATIVE OPTIONS' FOR 'TIGHT, TIDIER NATIONAL ERA'🏁

UKRAINE, TWO MORE BALTIC STATES APPLY FOR NATO INCLUSION- 16-point bold Header; SO THEN WHY A NATO? - Editorial Header; E.E.C. SIDES WITH PACIFIC RIM, UPS TARIFFS IN RESPONSE TO U.S. QUOTAS - Header; GENTLE ON WASTE STORAGE FROM DISMANTLED NATO THERMS: 'NOT IN MY NATION, BABE' - 12-point Subheader; 'Amid smiles and two-handed handshakes that belied the high tensions here, the leaders of twelve out of fifteen NATO nations today signed an accord effectively dismantling the Western Bloc's fifty-five-year-old defensive alliance.' - NewsSummary Cartridge Voiceover; U.S., CANADIAN SUPPORT CUTS DOOMED NATO SUMMIT FROM START, ICELANDIC POL DECLARES - Header; SO THEN WHY NOT A CONTINENTAL ALLIANCE, NOW, MAYBE? - Editorial Header; MEXICO SIGNS ON FOR 'ORGANIZATION OF NORTH AMERICAN NATIONS' CONTINENTAL ALLIANCE; BUT QUEBEC SEPARATISTS RALLY AGAINST 'FINLANDIZATION' OF 'O.N.A.N.' ALLIANCE; BUT GENTLE TO CANADA: UNLESS 'O.N.A.N.' TREATY SIGNED, NAFTA NULL, MANITOBAN THERMS STAY PUT, INTRACONTINENTAL POLLUTION AND WASTE DISPOSAL EACH NATION'S 'INTERESTS TO PURSUE TO THE BEST THEY SEE FIT' - Header from Veteran but Methamphetamine-Dependent Head-liner Finally Demoted after Repeated Warnings about Taking up Too Much Space; FED WORKERS PROTEST RANDOM FINGERNAIL-HYGIENE SCREENS - 12-point Header; GENTLE PROPOSES NATIONALIZATION OF INTERLACE TELENT -Header; SAYS GOVT IN LINE FOR 'PIECE OF THE ACTION' ON VIDEO, CARTRIDGE, DISK RENTALS - 8-point subheader; BURGER KING'S PILLSBURY AWARDED RIGHTS TO NEW YEAR - Header; PIZZA HUT'S PEPSICO FILES BIDRIGGING COMPLAINT WITH IRS - 12-point Subheader; CALENDAR AND PREPRINTED CHECK INDUSTRIES STOCKS SOAR - 8-point subheader; Three blue-jawed convicts in antiquated stripes dicky their cell's lock and run, backed by sirens and searchlights' crisscrossed play, not for the wall but straight to the Warden's empty nighttime office, where they sit rapt before his old dual-modem Macintosh, slapping their knees and pointing to the monitor and elbowing each other in the ribs, nibbling at inexplicably-appeared boxes of popcorn, with a Voiceover: 'Cartridges by Modem! Just Insert a Blank Diskette! Break Free of the Confinement of Your Channel Selector!' - Some more of Ms. Heath's classes' puppets in a B-film parody of the InterLace TelEntertainment ads that the cable networks seemed so mysteriously suicidally to run all the time that last year of Unsubsidized Time; O.N.A.N. PACT PENNED - 24-point Superheader; CANADA 'NUCK'LES UNDER - Tabloidish NY Daily's 24-point Superheader; ACID RAIN, LANDFILLS, BARGES, FUSION-TECH, MANITOBAN THERMS WERE 'BIG STICKS,' CHRETIEN ADMITS-16-point Header; SHORT-HAIRED MEN IN SHINY TRUCKS ARE NOT DISMANTLING MANITOBAN THERMS BUT INSTEAD MOVING THEM JUST OVER BORDER INTO TURTLE MTN. INDIAN RESERVATION, HORRIFIED N.D. GOV CHARGES - 12-point Subheader from Demoted Headliner Already in Dutch Down in the Subheader Dept., Now, Too; EXCLUSIVE COLOR PHOTOS SHOW BRAVE DOCS FUTILELY FIGHTING TIME TO REMOVE RAILROAD SPIKE FROM CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER'S RIGHT EYE - Tabloidish NY Daily's 16-point Header; PRESIDENT'S OFFICE IS 'A ANALLY RETENTIVE HORROR SHOW SAYS THIS JUST RETIRED WHITE HOUSE CUSTODIAN -Tabloid Header with Photo of Old Guy with Basically One Eyebrow Running All the Way across His Forehead Holding up a Mammoth Plastic Barrel He Claims Held Just One Day's Haul of Dental Stimulators, Alcohol-Soaked Cotton Puffs, GI-X-Ray-Grade Colonic Purgative Bottles, Epidermal Ash, Surgical Masks and Gloves, Q-Tips, Kleenex, and Homeopathic Pruritis-Cream Containers; U.S.O.U.S. CHIEF TINE: CHARGES OF AN OVAL OFFICE LITTERED WITH KLEENEX AND FLOSS A 'CLEAR CASE OF DIRTY TRICKS' - Respectable Daily Header; OVERLOADED WASTE BARGES COLLIDE, CAPSIZE OFF GLOUCESTER - Boston Daily Header; HUGE PUTRID SLICK EMPTIES BEACHES OFF BOTH SHORES, CAPE - Equally Large Subheader; GENTLE SPEAKS OUT ON A U.S. 'CONSTIPATEDLY IMPACTED ON CONTINENTAL WASTE' AT U.N.L.V. COMMENCEMENT-Header; AD COUNCIL REPORT: BOSTON'S VINEY & VEALS AGENCY'S LI-POSUCTION AND TONGUE-STICK CAMPAIGNS NOT TO BLAME FOR ABC HQ BOMB THREATS - Advertising Age Header; 'The Governors of Maine, Vermont, and New Hampshire today reacted strongly to President Gentle's establishment of a blueribbon panel of waste experts to investigate the feasibility of mass landfill and conversion sites in northern New England' - Respectable NY Daily's Lead 'Graph; 'WE ARE NOT THIS CONTINENT'S SIGMOID COLON,' GENTLE WARNS O.N.A.N. JOINT SESSION - Header; BETHESDA MD'S: STRICKEN PRESIDENT CONFINED FOR 'HYGIENIC STRESS' FOLLOWING INCOHERENT O.N.A.N. ADDRESS -Header; HOLOGRAPHY MAKES ULTRA-TOXIC FUSION GAMBIT SAFE FOR WORKERS, COMMUNITY, D.O.E. REP ASSURES METHUEN P.T.A. - Boston Daily Header; GENTLE OUT OF BETHESDA NAVAL HOSP CONFINEMENT, TO ADDRESS U.S. CONGRESS ON 'RECONFIGURATIVE OPTIONS' FOR 'TIGHT, TIDIER NATIONAL ERA'🏁